The Change Triangle: Understanding What You're Really Feeling

Most men I work with don't come into therapy saying “I'm sad” or “I'm scared.” They say things like “I just feel off” or “Something's not right but I can't name it.” There's a framework that helps explain why.

It's called the Change Triangle, and it comes from Hilary Jacobs Hendel's book It's Not Always Depression. I first learned about it from a colleague during supervision, psychologist Teresa Marin, and it immediately clicked. It gave me a clear, visual way to understand something I was already seeing in session: men who know something is wrong but can't quite reach what they're actually feeling.

How the triangle works

Picture a triangle. At the bottom are your core emotions: anger, sadness, fear, joy, excitement, disgust, and sexual excitement. These are the emotions we're born with. They're hardwired, and they carry important information about what we need. When you can access them freely, you feel grounded. Present. Like yourself.

At the top of the triangle are defenses. These are the strategies we develop to avoid feeling those core emotions. Numbing out. Staying constantly busy. Scrolling. Sarcasm. Workaholism. Drinking. Shutting down in conversations. Picking fights. These behaviours aren't random. They serve a purpose: they keep you from feeling something that once felt too overwhelming or unsafe to feel.

On the side of the triangle sit the inhibitory emotions: shame, anxiety, and guilt. These are the gatekeepers. They're the emotions that block your access to what's actually going on underneath. When a core emotion starts to surface, shame or anxiety steps in and says “not safe,” and you default to a defense instead.

Why this matters for men

Here's where it gets personal. As a men's therapist in Toronto, I see this triangle play out constantly. Most men I work with are living at the top of the triangle. They're in their defenses. And they've been there for so long that the defenses feel like who they are.

Think about how most boys are raised. Sadness gets shut down early. Fear gets mocked. Vulnerability gets punished. The only “acceptable” emotion for many men is anger, and even that often gets expressed sideways through irritability, withdrawal, or control. Over time, shame builds up around the very act of feeling. Anxiety kicks in the moment something deeper starts to surface. And so the defenses stay locked in place.

A man might know he's unhappy in his relationship but can't access the grief underneath it. He might feel constantly on edge but can't name the fear driving it. He might work 60-hour weeks and call it ambition when it's actually avoidance. None of this makes him broken. It makes him human. It means his system learned to protect him, and now that protection is getting in the way.

The connection to compulsive behaviours

This framework is also deeply relevant to men working through sex addiction recovery and other compulsive patterns. When I work with men in this space, one of the first things we explore is what the compulsive behaviour is actually doing for them. Almost always, it's a defense. It's a way to manage or escape emotions that feel too big, too shameful, or too threatening to sit with.

The compulsive behaviour sits at the top of the triangle. Shame and anxiety sit on the side, reinforcing the cycle. And the core emotions underneath, often loneliness, grief, fear of inadequacy, or unprocessed pain, stay buried. Recovery isn't just about stopping the behaviour. It's about building the capacity to feel what's underneath it without being overwhelmed.

What it looks like to move through the triangle

The goal of change triangle therapy isn't to eliminate defenses or get rid of shame. It's to slow down enough to notice when they're running the show. In session, this might sound like: “I notice you just shifted to humour when we were talking about your father. What was happening right before that?”

That question isn't a gotcha. It's an invitation. When a man starts to notice his own patterns, he gets a choice he didn't have before. He can stay in the defense, or he can get curious about what's underneath. Over time, with enough safety and practice, the path to core emotions gets shorter. The shame and anxiety lose some of their grip. And the man starts to feel more like himself.

This is some of the most meaningful work I do. Watching a man access genuine sadness for the first time in years. Seeing someone realize that the anger they've been carrying is actually grief. Hearing a client say “I didn't even know I was allowed to feel that.”

You don't have to figure this out alone

If any of this resonates, that's a good sign. It means you're already paying attention. Understanding your emotions in therapy doesn't require you to have it all figured out before you walk in. It just requires willingness to get curious about what's actually going on inside you.

As a men's therapist in Toronto, I work with men who are ready to stop running the same patterns and start feeling what's real. If that sounds like where you are, a free 15-minute consultation is a simple way to see if we're a good fit. No pressure. Just a conversation.

Joseph Addy

MDiv, RP (Qualifying), CSAT · Registered Psychotherapist (Qualifying)